Elf on the Shelf There are many Christmas traditions I understand. Decorating a tree? Lovely. Baking cookies? Delicious. Buying gifts for people you like? Cheerful. Buying gifts for people you  barely  like? Well, that’s capitalism. But there is one holiday ritual I simply cannot wrap my book-loving, coffee-fueled brain around: Elf on the Shelf. For the blissfully unindoctrinated, Elf on the Shelf is a small, felt-covered doll that parents hide in different spots around the h

Mattel has given us Astronaut Barbie, President Barbie, and even Orthopedic Surgeon Barbie. Lovely. But where, I ask, is Reality Barbie—the one who smells faintly of dry shampoo, owns three reusable grocery bags she always forgets in the car, and has a suspicious spot on her ceiling she swears isn't mold? Let's fix that. 1. Golden Years Barbie Known to friends as Retirement-Community Rita, she's traded stilettos for sensible Skechers and tinted her hair Silver Fox Frost. She

My hometown state university has done it. They’ve found the only person on earth less likely to teach a group of conservative military members how to write than a pacifist mime. Picture it: twenty uniformed soldiers sitting in a classroom, notebooks open, waiting to learn the sacred craft of writing. In walks their instructor—tattooed, rainbow-scarfed, wielding a coffee mug that says  Death Before Grammar Rules.  She announces she’s a bisexual, queer fantasy author who hates

There are few things more humbling than ordering fast food at 3:08 p.m. on a sunny Thursday like it's a small act of self-care, and then...